financial advice

“they stole one of my babies. again. i don’t know how many more are there left in stock, crying, wailing, brawling their eyes out. every year, compounded by 1.1%, they have been giving me a return of 121 times my initial investment. the babies are risk-free and come with a 90-day money back guarantee, but i ain’t no guarantor. i keep the babies in a refrigerator and the returns hidden away from the complexities of the rear world. it’s called abstraction and i am very fond of it.

the returns complain of me being a poor communicator but what do they know. i speak no babies and babies don’t speak me. it’s all lost in translation, translated by a translator who doesn’t know shit. oops. language.

we don’t curse here, not around the babies. but since they are all grown up by 1.331% every three years, i finally can. fear of theft has never stopped any of us from stocking up piles of these. polio diversification. that’s what they call it, and being a pound mamma, i feel the insides of me feel good when they call them that.”

— maurein jonson (investment bonker, financial ad, proud mamma of 10 stolen babies till date)